jokes.. si erap ang bida

Subject: jokes.. si erap ang bida Thu Aug 21, 2008 2:57 am

ERAP: Hello, I would like to inquire how long is the flight to San Francisco? OPERATOR: Just a minute, Sir.. ERAP: Really? Thank you..

One day na ipotan si erap ng ibon sa ulo.... ERAPotang ibon yan inipotan ako!! Body Guard ni ERAP:Eto po ser tissue ERAP:ENGOT KA BA!! Di mo ba nakita lumlipad na ung ebon! PANU MO NA PUPUNASAN PWET NUN!!

may gimik si erap , pupunta ng beerhouse,kasamang mga bataan nya ng biglang:
erap : mga bata balik na lang tayo bukas
bodyguards : bakit boss ?
erap : sama natin si jinggoy
bodyguards : bakit boss?
erap : hindi tayo pwedeng pumasok kasi kulang tayo ng isa, nakalagay sa pinto 18 and above, eh se seventeen lang tayong lahat
bodyguards : galing talaga ni boss

merong 100 na hagdanan, bawat isang hagdanan ay may joke, kung sino ang tumawa ay mahuhulog at di na tatanggapin sa langit, ang unang umakyat si gloria, unang hagdananemands from Erap, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and giv,
tanong: ano ang tawag sa lalaki na maswerte?
gloria: ano?
sagot: lucky me with egg
tumawa si gloria, kaya unang hagdanan palang ay nahulog na siya, pangalawa si ramos, umabot si ramos sa ika-10 hagdanan saka siya natawa sa joke, kaya nahulog din siya, pangatlo si Erap,
tanong: ano ang tawag sa lalaki na maswerte?
Erap: ano?
sagot: lucky me with egg
wala lang si Erap, hanggang sa ika-99 na hagdanan, magsisimula palang mag tanong, biglang natawa si Erap at sabi hahaha lucky me with egg!! kaya nahulog siya, bakit? ibig sabihin sa ika-99 na hagdanan na siya ay saka palang niya nagets ang joke sa unang hagdanan

Cardinal Sin's wish before dying is 4 GMA&Mike 2b on his side.D 1stCouple askd:We r honored but y us? Crdl Sin:I want2 die like CHRIST w/2 thieves by my side.

Erap: Doctor! Doctor! I swallowed a bone Doctor: Are you choking? Erap: No, I’m serious!!!

A few years ago, President ERAP was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton... The instructor told President ERAP , when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how r u'. Then Mr. Clinton should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you.' It looks quite simple, but the truth is... When ERAP met Clinton , he mistakenly said 'Who r u?' (Instead of 'How r u?'. ) Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: 'Well, I'm Hillary's husband, ha-ha...' Then ERAP replied 'me too, ha-ha....'.

Erap was out dining in a restaurant when they overheard some people at another table order some potatoes and some mashed potatoes. One of Erap's dinner guests asked Erap, "What's the difference between a potatoe and a mashed potato?" Erap pointed to the skin on his wrist, " Ito, puti 'to." He then pointed to his white shirt and said, " Ito, mas puti 'to."

Sang araw eh. malungkot na lumapit si Jinggoy para linawin ang isang issue sa kanyang Ama: ( Malungkot na nakatayo sa isang sulok at animoy si FPJ na nakaporma )
Jinggoy : Dad , alam mo, meron akong nababalitaan na me kapatid daw ako sa LABAS!
Erap : Ganon ba ? ( sabay turo sa pintuan ) Aba eh ! Papasukin mo dito at baka sipunin yun. Umuulan pa naman!

MAGKASAMA SA ISANG EROPLANO SI ERAP AT SI FORMER PRES. RAMOS NG BIGLANG IANNOUNCE NG STEWARDESS NA MAGCACRUSH ANG EROPLANO, DALI DALING KUMUHA NG PARACHUTE SINA ERAP AT RAMOS, NAUNANG TUMALON SI ERAP AT KAAGAD NA BINUKSAN ANG PARACHUTE, SUMUNOD SI RAMOS NGUNIT AYAW BUMUKAS NG PARACHUTE NIYA KAYA BUMULUSOK SIYA PABABA, NAKITA NI ERAP SI RAMOS NA BUMUBULUSOK PABABA AT ANG SABI NI ERAP AY….
ERAP:AH, UNAHAN PALA HA!, TEKA(SABAY HUBAD NG PARACHUTE AT SINUNDAN SI RAMOS)

PAL AIRLINE: naglilibot ang stewardess para kunin ang order ng mga passengers. pumunta ang stewardess sa passenger 1
stewardess:Gud afternoon Sir. Care for a drink Sir?
passenger 1: Remy Martin please.
Stewardess: okey sir(bumaling sa isa) kayo mam?
passenger 2:Margarita please.
Stewardess:Care for a drink Mr. President.
Erap: Joseph Estrada please.

Erap decided to go to a fast food so he went
Erap:May I have some fillipino fries.
Cashier: do you mean french fries?
Erap : NO! This is not france this is Phillipines!

Dumalaw si erap sa bahay ng isang mahirap at matandang lola.
Erap: Oh masarap ba ang tsokolateng binigay ko sa inyo.
Matanda: Opo. Salamat po. Nakita ni erap ang isang platitong mani sa lamesa at kinain agad habang nakaharap sa kamera para ipakitang kinakain nya ang pagkain ng mahirap.
Erap: Naku naubos ko ang mani, pasensya na ho kayo lola
Lola: Naku, okay lang ho prisidinti, nasipsip ka naman na yung tsokolate dyan.
Erap: Aba, okay naman pala eh.

joke, delivered by Mr. Estrada at a dinner for the APEC Leaders: US President Clinton approaches Mr. Estrada during the summit to confide that he has a problem. ''I brought 50 security people with me and I don't know which of them is an assassin,'' Clinton says. Overhearing Clinton's dilemma, Chinese President Jiang Zemin joins the conversation. ''I have the same problem,'' Jiang says. ''I have 60 security people with me and I don't know which of them is a spy.'' Mr. Estrada is unimpressed. ''I think my problem is more serious,'' he says. ''I have 100 economists with me and I don't know which of them is right.''

This incident supposedly happened before the "ERAP PRESIDENCY". The most intelligent the "presidentiable"(Pinoy term for preisential candidates), Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidentiable to a televised debate. To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap asks Miriam a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to give Erap five thousand pesos. Miriam asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon? " Erap doesn't say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and hands it to Miriam. Now, it's his turn. He asks Miriam: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look. She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references. She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net. Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends. All to no avail. After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000-peso bills. Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the P5,000 and turns away to go home. Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos....

Subject: Re: jokes.. si erap ang bida Thu Aug 21, 2008 2:59 am

Dear JV: Kamusta na sa Amerika, anak? Mabagal ko'ng isinulat ang liham na ito dahil alam kong mabagal ka ring magbasa. Anak, gusto ko lamang iparating na hindi na kami sa Malacanang nakatira ngayon. Nabasa kasi ng mommy mo (si Loi), na kadalasan na ang mga aksidente ay nangyayari sa bahay kaya't napagpasiyahan ko na lumipat na ng tirahan. Pero huwag kang mag-alala. Dinala ko naman ang karatula ng ating lumang address kaya maari mo pa rin akong sulatan sa dati nating address. Mahirap na kasi ang pabago-bago. Alam mo naman na napakarami ko ng kinakabisado.
Maganda naman ang tirahan namin ngayon. Mayroon pa ngang built-in na washing machine. subali't ng labhan ko yung damit ko, hindi na bumalik. kaya't huwag kang bibili ng Saniware washing machine, anak. malakas pa naman sana ang ikot ... Maganda rin ang lagay ng panahon dito. dalawang beses lamang umulan last week. Yung una, mula lunes hanggang miyerkules, yung pangalawa, mula huwebes hanggang linggo.
Siyanga pala, nanganak na si jackie kahapon.. Hindi ko pa alam kung lalaki o babae kaya hindi ko masabi kong ikaw ay isa ng Uncle o Auntie. Naku! napakalikot na bata... eager beaver ika nga! Anak, hanggang dito na lamang muna ang aking liham... Marami pang pagbabago ang kailangan gawin sa Pilipinas. Ayun sa survey, 95% pa lang ng mga Filipino ang naging madasalin mula ng ako'y naging presidente! Kailangan 120%!!! Siyempre kailangan kasama ang mga OCW sa abroad, no? Love, PAPA ERAP P.S. Papadalahan sana kita ng pera pero nakasarado na ang sobre

Subject: Re: jokes.. si erap ang bida Thu Aug 21, 2008 3:13 am

Q & A AGAIN
Q: How are a San Miguel Beer bottle and Erap alike?
A: They are both empty from the neck up.
Q: Why does Erap keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?
A: They are for those who don't drink!
Q: How do you confuse Erap?
A: Stick him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
Q: Why did the Erap stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said concentrate. Q: What do you do if Erap throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!
Q: Why did Erap get fired from his job at the M & M's factory?
A: He kept throwing out the Ws.

Shaira: IQ 120, promil user until age 6 Ryan: IQ 130, promil user until age 5 Joan: IQ 130, promil user until age 7 Erap: Low IQ, Promil user until now, but no progress

Nag-usap sina FVR at Erap sa sexual practice nila. FVR: Naniniwala ka ba sa safe sex? ERAP: OO naman, sinisigurado ko na wala ang mga asawa nila kapag ginagawa ko yon.

One particular day many years ago, Erap's wife was having labor pains. Erap panicked so he called their doctor.
Erap: Hello, doc. My wife is in labor!
Doc: Is she in a lot of pain?
Erap: Yes, doc!
Doc: Is this the first baby?
Erap: No, doc. This is Erap!

What's the difference between Erap and Magic? Magic is an illusion, Erap is real. What's the similarities? The audience think they're both entertaining.

During his visit to the Vatican, Erap met with the Pope. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary Erap emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Erap declared he was going home to the Philippines to be with his family. A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, and discouraged, and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure. Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, Erap just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed." Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."

Emcee...Ano ang national Animal ng Pilipinas, eto na ang clue...."nag uumpisa sa "K"... Erap: Sa "K" ha .... eto na "kuto"
Emcee:..Hindi !!!!! yong bang ginagamit ng magsasaka sa lupa....!
Erap: eh, di "kutong lupa"....
Emcee: Talagang mahirap itong si "Erap"..ngyek...
Emcee: Ok, eto na ang huling tanong... Sino ang huling hero ng Pilipinas.. ang clue...nag uumpisa sa initial "N..A.."
Erap: Madali yan si "Nora Aunor"
Emcee: Hindi si Nora Aunor, namatay na eh !!!!!!
Erap: Haaaa? namatay na si Nora Aunor ????? Hinimatay ang Emcee.

In the US they have Bill Clinton, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, Stevie Wonder. In the Philippines, we have ERAP, no cash, no hope, no wonder.

Jingoy: Dad, sabi nila pagnakaharap ako kamukha ko si Jose Rizal, pag-nakaside view kamukha ko naman si Manuel Roxas. Anong ibig sabihin yon?
Erap: Mukha kang pera.

Ininterbyu si Erap tungkol sa kanyang lovelife:
Reporter: First love?
Erap: Never dies, syempre.
Reporter: About your first crush?
Erap: Ahh? awa ng Diyos, sa dami ng flight ko ngayon, wala naman.

Reporter: When is your birthday?
Erap: Dec.25 (Not his real birthday)
Reporter: What year? Erap: Every year.

In a Japanese restaurant.
Erap : Bigyan mo ako nung TA-KEHO-ME, waiter.
Waiter : Sir "Take Home" po ang basa diyan.

Sa isang party. Sabi ng isang Ambassador to Erap, "I haven't met your wife. Where is she?"
Napadaan si First Lady Loi.
Sabi ni Erap, "Oh, my wife just passed away."

On board an Air Force plane that Erap had commandeered to pursue a group of kidnappers on another plane, the pilot t ells Erap: "Sir, enemy plane comming in at 5 o'clock." Erap replies: "Good. We have time to plan our moves. It's only 4:25 by my watch."

Eraps walks into a casino where he see's a coke vending machine. He puts in some money and a coke falls out. He smiles and keeps putting in more and more money, and getting heaps of cokes. He does this for about an hour or so until an aide comes up to him and says "Havent you had enough, Sir?" and he says back, "No! Cant you see I'm winning!"

Sa panliligaw ni Erap, mahilig siyang sumulat ng coded love messages tulad ng: ITALY - I truly adore and love you SASAYA - Stay as Sweet as you are Para lalong bumilib and kanyang nililigawan , sinikap niyang gumawa ng "love letter" na gamit and alphabet:
ABC - Always be careful
DEF - Don't Ever forget GHI - Go Home Immediately
JKLM - Just Keep Loving Me
NOPQRSTUVW - No One Perfectly Quite Romantic Should Treat U Very Well
Napa-whew at pinagpawisan si Erap. Tatlong titik na lang and natitira...XYZ. Pinag-isipan ito nang husto ni Erap. Makalipas ang oras, napangiti siya at pinalakpakan ang kanyang sarili bago sinulat ang:
XYZ - Xee You Zoon!!

VIP'S ON A SINKING SHIP: CLINTON: What do we do? YELTSIN: GET A LIFE BOAT. ARAFAT: ALL WOMEN FIRST. SADDAM:FUCK THE WOMEN! ERAP: TALAGA! MAY ORAS PA BA?

Flash report: Nalapnos ang kamay ni Erap pagkatapos sa Chowking. "Pambihira," nasabi na lang ng presidente. "Pinakain ninyo ako ng noodles, wala kayong tinidor, malaki pa ang inyong toothpick."

Nagpunta si Erap sa England at nag-meet sila ng prime minister. Habang kumakain, nagtanong ang prime minister. "Is San Juanico Bridge the longest bridge in the Philippines?" "Yes," mabilis na sagot ni Erap saka biglang nag-isip ng maitatanong din, "Ah... Is London Bridge falling down?"

Nakikipaglandian si Erap sa isang babae sa bar. "Teka, Mr. President, alam mo bang isa akong lesbian?" tanong ng babae. "Teka, ano ba 'yung lesbian?" tanong ni Erap. "I love to make love to a girl" paliwanag ng tomboy. Natawa si Erap, "Huwag kang mag-alala, lesbian din pala ako! Pareho tayo ng hilig!"

Nanood ng three act play sina Erap at Loi sa Cultural Center. Pagkatapos ibaba ang telon nang matapos ang act I, nagyayaya na si Erap. "Tara na." "Teka, intermission pa lang," sagot ni Loi. "Hindi mo ba nabasa ang program?" tanong ni Erap sabay pakita ng program sa asawa. "Nakasulat * Act II Three Weeks Later. O, maghihintay ka pa?"

In heaven, every one has a lie clock. Every time you lie the clock moves. Mother Teresa's clock never moved. Lincoln's clock moved only twice. ERAP's clock is being used by St. Peter as electric fan.

ERAP AND CORY were hanging on a rope from a chopper which could hold only one. CORY said she will let go and gave a speech about women always making sacrifice. ERAP CLAPPED! ! !

Bakit daw malaki ang utang ng na loob ni Miriam Santiago kay Erap? Kasi, nangako si Erap na tutulungan si Miriam na hanapin sina Crispin at Basilio. Umamin na raw si Erap na siya si Jose Velarde... pero hindi naman daw siya si Joseph Estrada... Watch for the life story of Erap that will surpass the Metro Manila Film Festival Hit "Tanging Yaman" at the box office. The film is entitled "Tanginang Yaman." FPJ: Erap, mukhang mako-convict ka sa impeachment trial Erap: Di bale, trial pa lang yan, di pa naman final.

Subject: Re: jokes.. si erap ang bida Sun Aug 24, 2008 4:00 am

Call Center
A cub reporter was complaining about the
President's accessibility to the
media. Talking to another veteran mediaman, he
said it is harder now to get
through the President compared to those days when
he was still Mayor, Senator and even Vice President.The
mediaman said, "Pare, hindi totoo
yan! In fact they have installed a
very sophisticated telephone system over at
Malacanang. All you need to do is lift the handset
and presto you can talk to the
President anytime."
"Really?" said the amused reporter and hurriedly
ended the conversation. "O, sigue pare, thank you sa tip ha?
Tatawag na kaagad ako sa Presidente!"
And so the reporter got hold of a telephone and
dialed the Malacanang number, and this is what he heard:
"GOOD MORNING, YOU HAVE REACHED THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT.
IF YOU WISH TO TALK TO HIM IN TAGALOG, PLEASE PRESS ONE. IF YOU
WANT TO TALK TO HIM IN FILIPINO, PLEASE PRESS
TWO. IF YOU INSIST ON TALKING TO HIM IN ENGLISH,PLEASE
HANG UP AND DON'T CALL AGAIN!"
That didn't dampen the spirit of the persistent
reporter. He dialed the number again and followed the
instruction by pressing 1 (for Tagalog), and this is what he heard:
MAGANDANG UMAGA PO, ANG INYONG TAWAG AY NAKARATING
SA TANGGAPAN NG PANGULONG ERAP. SA KASAWIANG PALAD,
SIYA AY KASALUKUYAN PANG NATUTULOG. KUNG MAYROON KAYONG IBANG
NAIS MAKAUSAP, SUNDIN ANG MGA SUMUSUNOD: "PINDUTIN ANG ISA PARA
SA UNANG ASAWA, PINDUTIN ANG DALAWA PARA SA PANGALAWANG ASAWA,
AT PINDUTIN ANG TATLO KUNG MAYROON KAYONG MAIRE-REKOMENDA!

ON IMMIGRATION

On his arrival in San Francisco. ERAP notices a long queue in th immigration
area. He glances and sees a shorter queue that read... "OLYMPIC ATHLETES
ONLY". "Aba, doon na ako pipila...hehe" He instructs his aides to
look for sport props.

The first aide, carrying a hubcap, goes through. His excuse...DISCUS thrower.
ERAP: "Aba ayos yon ah!"
The second aide also goes through with a mop pole. His excuse...JAVELIN thrower.
ERAP: "Aba...mahusay din." "Teka muna, presidente ako ng Pilipins. Dapat hindi
basta basta lang ang sports ko!! Dapat cultured ng konti." He goes around and
finds a bundle of barbed wire.
"Ayos ito...tamang tama." He goes directly to the immigration area.

Immigration Officer: "Sorry sir, this queue is only for athletes...What's
your excuse?"
ERAP: Showing him the barbed wire with a wide grin..."FENCING!"

KANGAROOS (DURING AUSTRALIAN STATE VISIT)
Reporter: Mr. President, how was your visit to Australia?
Erap: Well, it was nice. I saw many dangaroos.
Reporter: Sir, you mean, kangaroos?
Erap: No! Dangaroos! It was written:
"Beware, these animals are dangaroos(dangerous)!"

DURING CALIFORNIA'S QUAKE Erap taking a bath nang biglang lumindol. He ran outside the Beverly Hotel without his clothes on. Guard: Mr. President! I think you forgot something... Erap: Ay sh*t! Yung wristband ko!

MAKING A SPEECH
While typing Erap's speech to be delivered in joint commnunique,
Erap's secretary paused awhile and asked Erap.
Secretary: Sir, dalawa nga ba ang -o- sa unahan ng cooperation?
Erap: Dagdagan mo pa nang isa para sigurado.

The emcee Alex Tebak, the contestant "Erap"
Emcee: Question number 1 "Ano ang bird ng Pilipinas ?
Erap: Clue please !!!
Emcee: nag uumpisa sa letter "M"
Erap: Madali yan, ...."Manok"
Emcee: Hindi..... Maliit lang at kulay brown.....
Erap: "hindi mo agad sinabi eh, di "pritong manok"...
Emcee: ngyek !!!...

As Erap's Driver test drive it.
Driver to Erap: Sir, pweding pakitingin kung umiilaw yung parking light
(as driver switches on the parking light)
Erap: OK, its ON! Gumagana.
Driver: Sir, yung headlights, umiilaw ba? (as driver switches on the headlights)
Erap: OK rin, its ON! Gumagana.
Driver: Sir yung signal light pakitingin? (as driver switches on the signal light)
Erap: Gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw.......

Nasunog ang Malacañang kaya inalalayan si Erap ng maraming
PSG para makalabas.
"Sir, dito po ang daan," sabi ng isang PSG na itinuturo ang fire exit.
"Gago ka ba? Gusto mo bang masunog ako?
Eh diyan nga ang labasan ng apoy eh," sagot ni Erap.

While in a drug store.
Erap : I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Pharmacist : Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Erap : It does not matter, cuz he can't read yet!!

ERAP AND HIS GRANDCHILD:
Erap teaching his granchild an action song "put your right feet on, put your left feet out." Loi heard him and said "Dad, its foot."
Erap: "Sorry, okay foot your right feet in, foot your left feet out."

Exec Sec Zamora: Sir, puwede bang palitan 'tong laptop ko?
Erap: Bakit?
Zamora: Masyadong mabigat, eh!
Erap: Ba't di ka mag-delete ng files para gumaan?

Subject: Re: jokes.. si erap ang bida Sun Aug 24, 2008 8:33 am

FVR: Erap, may gift ako sayo from India.... 10 feet na snake...
Erap: Ows! Niloloko mo ba ako!? Di ako ganon katanga...wala namang feet ang snake noh! Gagong Toh!

ERAP orders a pizza: Waiter: Sir, do you want me to cut your pizza into 4 or 8? ERAP: 4 na lang, baka 'di ko maubos 'pag 8.

Subject: Re: jokes.. si erap ang bida Mon Aug 25, 2008 6:31 am

WOW andami. Smile

) haha. d ko pxa nbabasa lhat. haha. Smile

LOL.